So its Sunday again and that means that Monday is just around the corner. This is my week to stop treading water and to accomplish something substantial. My practical, functional for this week is to pull in a paying client, get a meeting with two clients and to banish all negative self-talk for an hour a day.
Regarding my negative and dark thoughts, I think that chasing them away for an hour a day for the week is achievable. People like me spend far too much time thinking myself into a corner. I never feel free of my memories and my critical self judgement. I am my own worst enemy and live with this constant dark and somber cloud over my head. Success for me is failure. I am certain that is the agreement I made with my family, that Aimee would be the failed one, the looser, the shadow child. But that does not fit anymore, I want to achieve, but find myself struggling against this force field of doubt and family disapproval.
I realize how improbable it sounds, to suggest that there is a family agreement to fail in life, but I am certain I am correct. No one ever said, ‘Aimee, you shall be the failed on in our house!” But things get said at home without words being exchanged. Families speak in codes and signals; the sudden intake of breath, the ominous stiffening of shoulders, the way a plate of food is filled and handed over. Its so subtle we mostly miss it, but part of us, the most perceptive and sensitive part of us picks up those signals and delivers them directly to our heart and that fragile part of us that assembles the very idea of ‘me’ in my mind.
Just for one hour every day this week I will insist that I think only positive thoughts about myself. It’s going to be tough, I will have to stand firm against the family code. But I will do it.
That’s not me anymore, but I feel the habits are so deeply ingrained I am struggling to change gear.
aimee.marshak 